I’ve come to feel a special empathy for women who face the discovery of their husband’s same-sex attraction issues. My heart really goes out to you.
Though I’ve never had to face that heartache myself I’ve met many women whose partner falls somewhere along the continuum of struggle between bi-sexuality and homosexuality issues. And every time I encounter this reality I encounter raw, pulsing pain in the woman who makes the discovery.
Those who specialize in same-sex attraction sometimes take differing positions on whether or not it is possible to “re-set” the sexual attraction “dial.” There are also differing opinions about the best therapeutic approaches for treatment. I encourage you to take care of your needs around the pain and loss that come with any form of sexual betrayal, whether it’s hetero-or homosexual in nature. Your trauma and pain are compounded by this extra element that I’ve learned adds a painful twist of the knife many of us never have to experience. So take steps to deal with your pain and to get help to process it, as well as to evaluate where to go from here.
There are Christian resources to help your husband if he wants help. But it’s important that he “owns” his healing and recovery, just as it is for all addicts, so you can’t be the one putting together an action plan for him. While it’s healthy and only fair to let him know what you need in order to feel safe continuing in the marriage, it wouldn’t be healthy for you to do all the leg work for him.
On page 109 in my workbook, Partner’s Healing Journey, there is a list of several things many women ask their mate to do if they want to heal their relationship. For the woman whose partner’s struggles include attraction to other men, I encourage the addition of specialized help. There are several Christian ministries now dealing openly and lovingly with the extra challenges this attraction creates in a life and a relationship. Do some Internet research and call Focus On the Family, then begin to write or call those you feel drawn to.
Several women I’ve encountered have found the book, Coming Out Straight , a helpful, hopeful resource. Written by Christian therapist Richard Cohen, MA, it share his own story/struggles with homosexuality, as well as his treatment style.
I pray that you find the resources you need to heal your broken heart, and that your husband seeks help for himself. I also pray that in time your relationship heals, and that from this struggle a deeper, more powerful intimacy bond grows and continues to develop.